I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
