Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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