Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
