I puked a lego.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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