did you get engaged???
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
