dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
