Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
