the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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