theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
