Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Randomize
