i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
