is your mom at the bar?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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