wanna go halves on a baby?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
