I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
