last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
