i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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