Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
