Plan B is the new Plan A
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
