I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
