so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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