yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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