So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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