Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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