So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize