Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
