Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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