I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
