Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
