Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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