Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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