If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
