Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize