Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
