so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
