Screwed.edu
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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