just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
im holly from the hills drunk
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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