well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
