i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
