FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
