i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
