a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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