Cold hands, warm shart.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
