Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm both gender and math confused
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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