oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
