my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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