it's too hot outside to masturbate.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
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