My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
