david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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