apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
