Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
