she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
