she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
