we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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