party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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