Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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