I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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