He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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